“Sometimes I can feel my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I’m not living.” – Johnathon Safran Foer
Every summer I get overwhelmed by this sense of longing for something just out of my reach. It’s a difficult state to describe, but it overtakes me in ways that make me feel as though I am stuck in place while the world around me moves at lightning speeds. Nothing excites me when I am like this. Nothing spills genuine joy into my heart. Nothing grabs my attention and inspires me when I am stuck in this rut that feels as though I am walking through quicksand. I am stuck, unable to find any joy in the things I once loved. I am just there, searching for inspiration to help me get back on my feet again. I am jaded: indifferent to the world and art around me.
Being jaded feels like an overwhelming sense of boredom. My favorite hobbies don’t hold the same happiness that they once brought to me. Reading is tiresome; every time a pick up a new novel, I immediately get bored of it. Movies don’t hold my attention like they used to. Writing takes too much effort. And my outlook on life is clouded with grey lenses. I ache to write or read or seek comfort in the hobbies I usually partake in, but now everything feels empty.
And the main cause of this is restlessness. It’s summer time. The humidity makes it hard to breathe when I step out of my front door. The heat is like a blanket that I can’t shake off, and there is a limitless amount of time dropped into my hands that I have no idea what to do with. To be completely honest, I don’t enjoy the summer, besides the time I get off from college. Autumn and winter are the seasons when I feel happiest and driven to create art, so the summer, the heat, and the stillness of the season is when I feel as though I am stuck in the midst of a whirlwind of change.
The summer always destroys my creative mood and makes me feel like a sloth. I want to read endless amounts of novels because I have the time, but I can’t because I am so incredibly bored with every story I crack open. I can’t watch movies because my attention falls off of them, thirty minutes into the film. I can’t write because I don’t have the creativity running inside me in order to dive into my stories. Because I rely on these hobbies so much as a form of happiness, not being able to enjoy them crushes my spirit. I am indifferent to everything I love, and it tears a hole into my heart.
I ache to find something that pours wonder back into my heart. I am aimlessly searching for something to kick start the creativity in my mind, in order to get back into writing or reading once again. I try new things, push myself into old routines, but nothing seems to work. While this blog post is explaining my current state of indifference, I do want to touch upon my hopes of shaking this mood off my shoulders.
The search for something more
I have let this mood overtake me for long enough, and this blog post, in a way, is a calling to myself. I don’t want to feel unimpressed by the life and art around me that I rely on for happiness. I want to feel inspired, awestruck, and bewildered by the things people create. I don’t want to wallow in this grey hue hovering over me any longer. I want to search for something to spark wonder inside of me.
So here is a brief list of things I’m going to practice doing in order to build up my creativity and break down the weariness weighing down my heart. Perhaps, if you are feeling the same thing I am, these miniature goals will inspire you to take action against the jaded state you’re in.
I am going to set out an hour a day to write my WIP (but if I don’t meet that goal, it’s fine) – This dedicated hour can either focus on editing or writing my WIP in order to fall back into the rhythm of writing again. Writing brings me joy and makes me feel on top of the world, and I want to feel that rather than avoiding my WIPs.
I am going to journal more often – The time I set aside to journal and reflect on my thoughts is a soothing and therapeutic time for me. It gives me the creative freedom to decorate and write in my journal in any way I want to express myself.
I am going to listen to music – Most people don’t know this, but I hardly ever listen to music. It isn’t something I connect to, more often than not, but I want to try to find a few playlists to listen, in order to stir my creativity. (I’ll most probably do this as I write or read) If anyone wants a playlist of the songs I listen to, let me know!
I am going to make crafts and bake – Craft making and baking is a fun way to create something that I can either use in the future or eat. I love DIY crafts and I love trying new recipes, so these two activities are sure to make me smile.
I am going to go to the movies – I adore films. In a perfect life, I would be a film critic. But in this life, I want to set out more time to watch movies in my local theatre. There’s nothing better than getting comfy in a movie theatre chair and watching a new film in a room full of strangers. The idea of a movie theatre and seeing films with others is such a wonderful concept, to me, and I need to see more movies in theatres because I love the overall experience of it.
I need to read the books I want to read – I have been stuck in a book slump since around May. Nothing has truly caught my eye, and every time I pick up a novel, it doesn’t grip me the way books used to. I began to think that I was falling out of love with books, but I don’t think that’s the case. I just think I haven’t found a book that I can connect to. I have been focusing on reading and reviewing ARCs as a priority, but I think I need to prioritize the books that truly call out to me first in order to beat this book slump. I have avoided reading for so long, and I don’t want to feel so disconnected from something I love.
I will surround myself with people who not only are positive but offer insight and encourage me as an artist and friend, as I do to them – I think it’s very important to surround yourself with people who offer nothing but positivity in your life. Life is too short to be around people who only make you feel bad about yourself and the world around you. I believe the more open-minded and passionate the people you surround yourself with, the better your life will be. And it’s time for me to take my own advice and find people who support me rather than only use me for their own personal gain.
“Summer has been consuming my energy in the most ruthless way. I miss the fun, which was so tremendously lively all October, November and December.” – Virginia Wool, from a diary entry – June 1927 (Found on Tumblr)
I know, once the summer comes to a close, this suffocating feeling of being jaded will dissolve away. I hope that I will be filled with inspiration and creativity again. Feeling jaded towards everything I love ruins my mood and makes me feel as though I am not contributing anything worthwhile to the world. I want to make art and consume it and truly feel for the things I care most about. I don’t want to lie about and wait for joy and inspiration to hit me. I want to go out there into the world and discover new things and people and reach towards happiness. That’s the only way I will be able to overcome this looming indifference that I want to shake off my shoulders for good.
If you feel similar to the way I’m feeling lately, I’d love to know! If you have any tips on how to find happiness in the little things, please let me know as well. I want to work towards having a more positive life rather than feeling as though I am stuck in the middle of quicksand and can’t pull myself out.